You’re not attracted to a friend but you’re totally in love with them. Ever been there? Here’s what is a queerplatonic relationship & the signs to see it!
Ah, the confusing world of friendships, love and romance! Sometimes, it’s a big blur, isn’t it? Call it our love for labeling all things, or just our way to trying to define a specific feeling towards someone, a queerplatonic relationship is something most of us feel. Even if you don’t even realize it! Wondering what is a queerplatonic relationship, and what are the signs to recognize them? We have everything here for you.
What is a queerplatonic relationship?
To define it, a queer platonic relationship is a relationship between two people *they can be different genders* that merges between non-romantic and romantic, and non-sexual and sexual. It’s not friendship, but it’s not a relationship either. It’s that cozy and confusing spot somewhere between friendship and relationship.
Have you ever felt really close to a friend? *for simplicity’s sake, let’s assume someone from the same gender* You’re hanging out with them, and you don’t know why, but you’re just really happy to be in their company. You’re having a drink at home with this person, and you can’t help but feel like holding their hands. You stare at their lips, and you have no idea why, but you imagine what it would feel like to kiss them or make out with them. Maybe you’re bisexual, yes, or maybe you’re just in a queerplatonic relationship with this specific person.
People call this kind of relationship many different things like a quirkyplatonic relationship, quasiplatonic relationship, or even just QPR – Q Platonic Relationship. So if you come across these words, you now know what it really means.
Are queerplatonic relationships like friend crushes?
A queerplatonic relationship is one where you feel an intense level of closeness towards someone, and sometimes, there’s attraction, and it’s mutual too. You’re both friends, and at the same time, when others see you both together, they don’t know if they should address you as friends or as lovers.
So is it like a friend crush? Yes, it is, but it’s more too. A friend crush is when you’re infatuated by a friend because of a specific trait of theirs. But a queerplatonic relationship is when you both decide to move one step up towards relationship territory.
Your feelings could be romantic, or sexual, or both. If you both act upon it, it turns from a crush and moves into queerplatonic territory.
Is there any kind of intimacy in queerplatonic relationships?
There could be romantic or sexual intimacy, if both friends desire it and act upon it. You can be in a queerplatonic relationship with a friend, if you enjoy holding hands, cuddling together, kissing, or even making out or having sex with each other. You could just be two friends, and it could be a secret relationship too.
But if you’re confused about what you’re feeling towards this friend, chances are, you’re in a queerplatonic romance with them.
Do you have to label it?
No, you don’t, if labeling it makes you feel uncomfortable. But it exists, and it’s very normal to feel this way. If you slept with your friend, and feel intensely attracted to them, you may feel confused about it. This is especially true if it happened after a couple of drinks and now both of you don’t want to talk about it in the fear of embarrassing the other person.
You can ignore it for a while, but if the same kind of sexual or romantic intimacy crops up often between you both, maybe it’s not such a bad idea to actually talk about it.
After all, if it happened once, it’s accidental. But if it’s happening often, maybe you both do share a special connection with each other. Why not talk about it so you can understand how both of you feel towards each other?
Can you be in a relationship with someone and be queerplatonic with someone else?
This happens all the time, and that’s where the awkwardness and embarrassment of queerplatonic relationships crop up. You may be in a relationship with a boyfriend, but you’re intensely attracted to your female best friend. When you find yourself *or both of you* acting out on these feelings for each other, you can’t help but wonder if you’re just having a bit of fun, or if there’s some serious attraction in the friendship as well.
While it’s okay to express what you feel towards each other, it’s still some kind of cheating if you’ve not made it clear with your own romantic partner. Many people experience this confusion when they pursue a romantic relationship with someone, and yet, are drawn into a queerplatonic relationship with someone else.
Just to be clear, a queerplatonic relationship can be monogamous, or polyamorous. But it’s always right to bring these feelings out in the open so a third person isn’t hurt by your decisions or actions.
How do you address your queerplatonic partner or friend?
The word that’s commonly used to address someone you’re in a queerplatonic relationship with is a “marshmallow” or a “mallowfriend”. So if you come across these hashtags on social media, you now know what it means.
On the other hand, if you have a queerplatonic crush on a friend, and it’s still one-sided because you’ve chosen not to act upon your desire yet, it’s generally called a Squish.
So irrespective of whether you have a Marshmallow or a queerplatonic Squish, it’s nothing to be ashamed of or confused about. It’s totally natural. Blame all this confusion on the very specific male-and-female/one-partner-only definitions of romance, love and relationships of the modern world that’s causing all this confusion.
We’re humans, after all, and we have complex feelings and desires. And it’s very unfair to stick rigid and old-fashioned labels on our emotions. Just live your life, and express your emotions and feelings. Never hide them because it’s not the “norm”!
Queerplatonic relationships are very common
Let’s admit it; we have all fallen in love with someone who we shouldn’t really have feelings for. We have all met that awesome friend who was either our mirror image or just “got us.” There are so few people in this world that you can truly call “friend” and who always have your back. For some, that doesn’t always happen in just a romantic relationship.
In a queerplatonic relationship, the intensity and intimacy that you share with one of your friends provides you with more security and fulfillment than you get with the person you are committed to, married to, and having sexual relationships with.
It doesn’t have to be about sexual arousal, they are simply someone who completes you. You really can’t explain why.
Signs to recognize a queerplatonic relationship in your life
If you are in a queer platonic relationship, take heart. Don’t let other people tell you that it is unnatural or fear that what is going on defines a part of you that you hadn’t known existed. Take the closeness and connection that you have with another human soul and let it allow you to soar, be happy, and to find peace in your life.
1. You get all giddy when you see their text message pop up
Like a little school kid, when you get a text from your queerplatonic friend, you immediately think of all the possibilities that the text may bring.
Are you going to dinner? Having another crazy night? Or, maybe just meeting for lunch. A strange feeling, it is almost like your first crush.
2. When you dress, you wonder what your friend will think
They say that women dress not for men, but other women. In a queerplatonic relationship, that is definitely the case. You want your bestie to think you look hot. And if they compliment you as soon as they see you, that’s all that matters.
Even if someone else says your outfit looks bad, you don’t care because your queerplatonic friend thinks you look hot!
3. You wonder if what you said was too much or too intimate
When you talk with your queerplatonic friend, it can get really close and deep, really quick. Although it seems totally natural, once you are on your own, you think… too much?
4. They’re your first point of contact
When something happens, they are the first person you want to contact, even over your romantic relationship. You are so close that you know they will be as happy as you are, or as sad as you need them to be. That is why you have them on speed dial just in case the occasion arises.
5. They seem to “get” you even when other people don’t
You are so close and matched so perfectly that sometimes they seem to be the only person who “gets” you. When everyone else is looking at you like you have a third nose, they look at you with understanding.
6. You speak the same language
Kind of weird, you have an ability to be on the same page all the time… who does that? You understand each other completely, and can even complete each other’s sentences because you’re so attached to each other.
7. If you have a free night you know who you want to hang with… them
Nothing is as much fun as being with your queerplatonic friend. Your partner in crime, they like to do the same things, and nothing is ever boring or shallow because there is always something of value to take away.
8. You feel weird electricity when you are together, but you really can’t put your finger on it
You get butterflies in your stomach, but not romantic, just excitement because you know when they are around things are going to be carefree and fun, not weird and awkward… ever.
9. When you make plans, you look forward to them
There isn’t a time when you say yes and dread it. In fact, you make sure to put aside time allocated to just them and you alone.
10. You kind of get jealous when they are talking about another friend
Nothing is harder on a queerplatonic relationship than a third person. It isn’t that you don’t want them to have other friends or even a relationship, it is just that you feel threatened when they get closer to someone else.
11. You have weird nicknames for each other
Bromances and mutual girl crushes are based around calling each other weird names that just stick. Whether they were developed in middle school or in your 40s, it is a way that you both give each other the “we’re together” nod.
12. Other people have their suspicions about your relationship
You’ve had other people call you out and tell you it is weird how close you are.
13. The attraction is obvious
You get the “bromance” or “girl crush” comment a lot or asked if there is a crush developing. That is okay, let them talk, you know what it is. Everyone can see it, but they just don’t know what it is.
14. They feel like the missing piece in your life
Sometimes, we search for people to be close to our whole lives that understand us. A queerplatonic relationship is like finding that connection that we have been missing as long as we can remember.
15. There is no lack of conversation
“You go first… no, you go first”… there is never that awkward silence. Happy and comfortable silence, yes. But awkwardness, never!
16. You seem to have just about everything in common
Like everything. And even if you don’t have things in common, you’re very keen to understand their interests and passions. If they have a favorite movie, and they recommend it to you, you watch it *and probably like it too* even if it’s the typical kind of movie you literally hate.
17. You don’t have to explain how you feel, they already know
Instead of spending hours mulling and rehashing, they tell you how you feel and make sense of it all instantly.
18. You find yourself sneaking away to meet them like you are cheating, but you aren’t
Your boyfriend or girlfriend is jealous of your closeness, so you find yourself lying just to meet up and hang out.
19. They get first priority
You put priority time away for them when you wouldn’t have anyone else in your life. You don’t have standard hours with your mom on a weekly basis, but you do for your queerplatonic relationship.
20. When with them, they make things all better
You don’t need a pint of ice cream, just a bottle of tequila and your bestest, best friend.
21. You use similar phrases
You develop each other’s mannerisms and start using the same phrases in an adolescent way without even realizing it. Your emojis start to look similar, you use each other’s phrases, and even start sharing the same body language and words.
22. You try to dress alike
You’re very aware of their dressing style, and you can’t help but find yourself picking up similar clothes when you’re out shopping. If you’ve always been a jeans-kinda girl, but all of a sudden, you’re drawn to skirts, chances are, it’s your queerplatonic relationship working it’s magic here.
23. You may feel attracted to them
This doesn’t have to be sexual only, though sexual attraction is completely acceptable. But you do feel some kind of romantic attraction even if you’ve never acted upon it.
24. You two may have made out sometime
It may be a drunken kiss or a full on makeout while cuddling in bed with each other. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but if you both enjoy sharing romantic or sexual intimacy with each other, you’re probably in a queerplatonic relationship with them.
25. Your significant other begins to see them as an issue in your romantic relationship
You know there is a problem of your overreaching queerplatonic relationship when your significant other feels like they are in competition… and losing.
Queerplatonic relationships are relationships we form with other people that are intense and exhilarating. Although something close to romantic, it isn’t sexual tension that you feel, it is just that you have a chemistry together that makes the whole room jealous that they don’t have it.
Let people make fun of you. It is okay. Enjoy your relationship for what it is and go with it. There is no shame in finding someone on this earth that you connect with, laugh with, and have so much fun with, no matter what gender you are and no matter what gender they are.
You only live once, so do what makes you happy. If your queerplatonic relationship is it, then block out the voices and enjoy it!