You’ve gone through relationships where you knew the other person wasn’t good for you but every so often, you’ll leave someone and realize you’ve made a terrible mistake. Or, your ex left you, but you’re certain you still have a chance to have a great life together.
While there are no guarantees that your ex will come back into your life with open arms, there are some things you can do to entice them back into a relationship (given that they are not a toxic person and are actually capable of a mutual, non-toxic relationship).
Breakups of any kind are devastating. I write a lot about breakups with toxic individuals, but what if you were with someone who was truly great?
Not knowing what to do or how to get a great person back has made me feel suicidal in the past (emotionally and physically). I didn’t want to live anymore without this person. If you’re feeling this way right now, I want you to consider this…
Imagine you were writing the story of your life on your computer right now and all of a sudden, the computer got a virus and broke down.
- Would you immediately pour gasoline all over it, light a match, blow it up (physical suicide), and risk burning your entire house down? (destroying those who love, believe in, count on, and need you).
- Would you run away from it in fear and abandon your computer and story? (emotional and spiritual suicide).
- Would you pretend that nothing was wrong and keep typing even though the screen won’t light up and the keyboard doesn’t work? (symptoms of emotional and spiritual suicide: denial, delusion, and avoidance).
- Would you psyche yourself into believing that this was just a little glitch? And after a while, when the computer still wasn’t working, would you use every opportunity to berate it and tell it how worthless and defective it is? (another symptom of emotional suicide: self-sabotage).
No. You would not do any of these things.
You would understand that something in the computer is broken enough to prevent it from operating. And even though it doesn’t work right now, the virus can be killed and the brokenness can be repaired. Destroying your computer or refusing to address the brokenness does not erase the problem.
It takes away any chance for you to finish the story that only you can write.
Don’t give up on yourself.
Here’s what you need to do to get your ex back
1. Give them time and space.
You may be thinking, “Um. I’m looking for a way to get my ex-partner back, not push them further away.”
But if you want to win your ex back, you have to give them time and space. Calling them non-stop, begging for them back, crying on the phone, and all of the things we do when we’re hurt are a big turn off.
It’s even more of a turn off if your ex dumped you. They clearly want space from your relationship. Texting and calling constantly isn’t a good idea.
Giving your ex time and space allows you to have some time to think about the relationship. It also gives your ex time to miss you. They’re not going to miss someone who refuses to get out of their life.
Additionally, the time and space can give them the feeling of actually missing you, and remembering what was good about your relationship.
And while you’re probably reading this post because you’re sure your ex is The One, they may not be. It’s a bit of a shock to hear, but giving them time and space can give you the space you need to think about the relationship – what worked and what didn’t.
Then, if you still miss them, you know you had something worth fighting for.
2. Apply the No Contact Rule (and extend it to social media).
This one can be painful, especially if you and your ex were in a long-term relationship. It’s hard to stop talking to someone who’s been there for you for months or even years but is now no longer a part of your life. You may have been relying on them for emotional support for a long time, and going cold turkey is difficult.
While this rule is also about giving them space, it goes one step further. You can give your ex space and still talk to them once in a while, but with a no contact period, you can make sure you’re not being reminded of them at all.
This rule is two-fold: and it benefits you as well as your ex.
With this rule, you can start focusing on life without your ex and building yourself back up. Losing a good person is devastating, and being reminded of them every single day whenever they post on social media can make you feel crazy.
It also gives your ex a chance to miss you.
If you want to rekindle things with your ex (which you obviously do or you wouldn’t still be reading), you should go no contact, but save their information.
The same goes for social media. Keep them as friends on social media, but mute their profiles.
3. Spend time with friends and family.
There was a time before you and your ex knew each other. Unless you’ve been dating the same person since middle school, you likely had a network of friends and family that you hung out with often.
Now is the time to rebuild these relationships and refocus on them. This way, you can start getting your identity back as the person you were before you met your ex.
Strengthening these bonds can both help heal you from your relationship and can help boost your self-confidence. Most people’s self-esteem gets drained after a break-up, and that’s normal. This can help you build back up.
Reconnecting with family and friends can also help you fill the void that you have from no longer having your ex in your life.
This way, when you and your ex do eventually reconnect, you’ll feel more confident, and less thirsty. More like the person they fell in love with originally.
4. Get a new hobby (or get back to an old one).
This is a great time to focus on a hobby, whether it be an old one or a new one you’ve always wanted to take up.
Doing this is also a great way to improve your confidence and help you heal from the break-up.
When I was going through a really bad breakup and felt like I had no control, I remember deciding to take ownership of what I had complete control over:
- How much I moved my body
- What I ate
- Whether or not I reacted to my triggers
I worked out hard every day. I spent whatever free time I had planning more thoughtful meals. Whenever I did have free time, I found that I didn’t obsess as badly as I usually did because I was expending my energy in other areas too. (in other words, when I had free time, I was too exhausted to care as much).
No matter what, make sure you take some time to focus on yourself.
5. Start talking to other people and start dating again.
This sounds counter-intuitive, but it can help you get your ex back.
Once you’ve gained a bit of perspective, start seeing other people. This may feel super weird at first, especially when getting your ex back is what you’re focused on, but it can help.
By dating again, you give your ex a clear message that you’re moving on. And that you’re moving on without them.
If your relationship is irreparable, this may not phase them. But if not, this will make them feel jealous. They’ll start to wonder how you moved on so quickly, and what these new dates are like.
When you start dating again, definitely keep it casual, be classy, and be respectful. Stay on your white horse. Don’t do anything that you’re not comfortable doing. Date to connect, gain more perspective, and affirm that your sole source of happiness does not come from another person.
6. Take a realistic inventory of your relationship issues.
Take the time to figure out if your relationship issues are truly fixable and if your core values match.
How to Get Your Ex Back
Don’t play games – value yourself enough to be above the mediocrity.
When we value ourselves, others will too.
When you choose to be honest with yourself, to love yourself and accept nothing less than what you want, you will radiate it.
When you choose happiness and take care of yourself, when you stop worrying about what other people think and start living your best life, it’s infectious. It’s attractive, it’s powerful, and people notice – even exes.